The Sexiest Woman in Berlin
I stepped into my skirt, its black and white fabric shorter in the front than the back, and it swirled softly around my legs. I tucked my large full beautiful (if I do say so myself) breasts into a black plunge bra and slipped the form fitting tank top over my ample stomach and waist, pulling the front down so the neckline became a perfect frame for my cleavage. Then I sashayed out into the sunshine, flipped my hair, put on my sunglasses, and a giggle erupted from my mouth. OMG! I feel like the sexiest woman in Berlin! I whipped out my phone and immediately texted both Benjamin -my boyfriend- and Carson- the lover I had been with the night before- and told them how I felt. They both sent back happy kissy faces in response to my enthusiasm. I lifted my face to the sun and enjoyed the walk to the cafe.
Why was I feeling so fantastic about myself that morning? Why was I feeling so in control of my own body? So full of sexual confidence? I had been to my first swinger’s club with Carson the night before, and it was a life changing experience!
I read the following in the book Many Love: A Memoir of Polyamory and Finding Love(s). It is about the first time she went to a sex party.
“I truly felt, for the first time in my entire life, that my body was desirable, and that it belonged only to me. There may have been times when I came close to feeling like that before, but they were nothing like this. I felt like a goddess.”
I can relate.
If you know anything about Berlin, you know that it’s a haven for hedonistic pursuits. Just Google- Berlin, Sex, Nightlife- and you will see what I mean. Ever since I moved here, I had hoped to meet someone who I could go to a sex club or a swinger’s club with. I had even ordered a sexy corset, hot lacy bra and matching panties, a pleather skirt, and two different types of thigh high stockings, just to be ready for a last-minute invite if one came in. Ever the Girl Scout, I would be prepared!
Many dates had agreed with me, in theory, that going to a club would be fun.
“Sure, we should do that someday.”
“Yes, let’s do that someday.”
Until Carson. When it came time to arrange our third date, he send me this text,
“Should we look for a club or a sexy party?”
Oh yes! I knew there were more reasons to adore this guy than just languid hot summer afternoon sex. We did some research, found a place that seemed like it would be an “easy entry” into this world of swinger’s clubs and made a date. This would the first time for both of us. Instead of meeting someone who was more experienced and could show me the ropes, I had met someone who was going to be just as vulnerable as I would be, as we learned the ropes together. We had experienced an immediate trust and bond that made me totally comfortable to go on this adventure with him, even after only knowing each other such a short time.
(Read about what happened when Carson and I broke up.)
I Saw You Today
I am walking along, laughing with my friends, enjoying the colorful sites and amazing smells of the Turkish market. The…
On the train there, we discussed what we wanted from the evening. We decided we would stay open to both possibilities and uncomfortable feelings, as well as stay close to each other the whole night. We also agreed that what we really wanted to do was have sex in public, anything else was “extra.” That conversation set us up perfectly for the night’s adventures.
We were attending a newcomer’s night, and were greeted by a hot young man, large, bald, and covered in tattoos but who came across as the gentlest of bears. (Though I have no doubt, had he needed to be a beast, he would have been in a hot minute!) Bear showed us around; the pool area, sauna, steam rooms, showers, upstairs private cubicles, the downstairs playroom with giant bed, and finally the BDSM “cage” complete with glory holes. He showed us where to get cold drinks, towels, condoms, and lube (in every room) and the reiterated over and over that the most important rule was “Consent.”
He let us know that in no uncertain terms would non-consent be tolerated. Ask first and receive a yes before proceeding. Period. Got it. I liked it. It made me feel safe. I knew that it didn’t matter if I was laying naked on the group play bed, if a man or woman I didn’t want to touch me, didn’t ask and yet still touched me, either big bald Bear would kick him out or one of the other people around me would assist.
After the tour, we decided to pay the fee (which included well drinks and a buffet- even though there would be no way in hell I would eat from a buffet where naked people were standing so close to the food) get naked, hang out, and see what happened. One of the reasons we had picked this particular club was that the dress code was very casual. Because of the pool, saunas, and steam room, it had a spa-like atmosphere and the dress code was as simple as a towel or as elaborate as you chose. We read that most people were a bit more relaxed, so Carson chose to simply wrap a towel around his waist, and I wore a pretty, black and nude lacy open backed panty with matching bra. We walked into the bar area, sat down, and ordered a drink. I was uncomfortable for about one minute, maybe two.
After that, I just let it go. I let all anxieties about being a “plus sized beauty” in a sex club go. I let any shame I was holding onto for being “too sexual” and “too explorative” go. I sat up straight, leaned closer to Carson, drank my cheap Cava, looked into his eyes and just let go. Why should I care about what others thought? I already knew my date thought I was hot; sunny afternoons entwined in my bed had proven that. I also knew that all the hype about “fat chicks” was more hype than real and I knew there were plenty of men and women who found me attractive. There was nothing here that could hurt me, nothing here that could make me feel “less than.” I was in total control of me. I was in total control of my sexuality. I was large and in charge and so excited to see what naughtiness we could get up to!
There weren’t that many people there and we worried that the night could go south, but decided to stick with it, and went out to the patio area with our drinks. There we laid down on a big round patio lounger and made out, his towel falling free, touching and kissing, drinking our wine. When big Bear came by to announce that the sauna would be ready to go in 15 minutes, Carson wanted to go. I don’t usually do extreme heat, but I wanted to stay next to Carson and experience it with him. Plus, Bear had told us that he would be “facilitating” and spending a few minutes practically naked with him sounded like a great idea to us both!
I ducked out of the hot sauna after only a few minutes, while Carson committed to an extended enjoyment of both the heat and the sweat dripping down Bear’s tattooed torso. After, we washed the sweat off while kissing and touching each other with abandon in the showers. This was where the game changed. Instead of putting my bra and panties back on, like Carson, I donned a towel and we went back outside to the lounger. He brought us some more wine and the making out got intense. My legs splayed open, his hand between them, his towel completely fallen to the floor. I looked up and saw someone watching from the window of one of the club hotel rooms above us, it just turned me on even more. Another time, I noticed a man, sitting across the patio from us, watching. I slowed Carson down and told him, “We have a visitor.”
“Are you ok with that?”
“Yes, are you?”
He smothered my breasts with more kisses and gently rolled his fingers over my sensitive clit, in response.
“Let’s go downstairs to the playroom. I want to eat you.” He suggested, and I gladly complied.
Once in the playroom, we threw our towels down under us, and I hopped up onto the counter height group play bed. Before we knew it, another couple climbed up onto the bed too and started fucking less than an arm’s length away. Things were taking off. There were so many feelings, and so many sensations. The man who had been watching us upstairs came down, stood there for a moment, and gently touched my foot. I stopped kissing Carson long enough to register the request, and ask him if he was he ok with this hot Hungarian dude joining us. He agreed and beckoned the stranger to join us. I closed my eyes and just felt their hands on my skin, their lips touching me all over, alternately hard and gentle.
I reached my hand back towards the couple behind us, and the man grasped it tightly. Before I knew it, his woman was kissing me, and he had come around to position himself between my legs. He waited for a nod from both Carson and me before slipping on a condom and then slipping inside me. At that point I was all nerve endings, totally relaxed, and yet full of disbelief. Could this be happening? The men kept speaking to me in German, but because I didn’t understand, Carson was whispering all of their comments into my ear and continually telling me how turned on he was by how much they wanted me too. All between sharing kisses with me with the other woman.
“She’s so beautiful.”
“What a goddess!”
“Can I please her?”
“What does she like?”
Incredible, amazing, wonton pleasure. Eventually, everyone had experienced their bliss and there was a lull in the action. All that remained was a pile of sweaty satiated limbs, relaxing, breathing heavy, completely entwined on the bed. Eventually I stood up. Not a quick, stand up, grab the towel to cover me kind of move, but a full, stand up to my real height, back straight, chin up, breasts out, legs strong. I moved like I had never been ashamed of my body. I felt like there was no power that could tell me that fat is not sexy, that I am not pretty enough, or worse “you have a nice face!” I owned my sexual persona like never before. I was capable of saying yes and enjoying the consequences. I was capable of saying no, and not concerning myself with the repercussions. I knew that my body is not only able to but LOVES to give and receive pleasure and that there is nothing wrong with that.
Of course, these are things I have known and been discovering the past few years, but that night, in that incredible moment- it was all so real and true.
Now the next day, as I walked this sexy body down the street, I felt bad for any man in my way. I was the sexiest woman in Berlin! How would he resist my charms!?
Here are some other stories, by one of my favorite Medium writers, about sex clubs/parties, empowerment and owning your sexuality! Thanks Elle Beau for always inspiring!
What the Vanilla World Can Learn About Consent from a Sex Club
The safest I’ve ever felt in a club was in one designed for swingers.
And this is a well thought out article about safe places and consent in a Berlin nightclub. Thanks Bryan Hughes.
Lessons from Berghain, Berlin’s most exclusive club
Content note: descriptions and discussions of sex and drug use.
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