One of the things I have come to appreciate about being Polyamorous, is how important it is to be able to ask for what I want and need. This has not been an easy process, and it continues to be something I have to work on all the time. But sometimes I have these amazing AH-HA moments, and they blow my former mindsets wide open. I had one of these moments last week.
Stefan and I each needed to order some poppers, our own supplies were dwindling. My account to our favorite sex toy and accessory shop was current and I knew the password, so we used it to place an order. I was looking at the site and picking out what I wanted, and he was doing the same from his computer. He sent me photos of the items he wanted me to order for him. And WOW!
It was like looking into the mind of the “evil professor.” These were toys that very much suit our sex life and the kind of fun we like to have. (I would say our sex life is not traditional at all and definitely has a kinky bend to it.) But these toys? Some of them felt “next level.” I’m not going to lie, I grinned like a mad woman, Oh My God! What have I gotten myself into!?
But here is where my “old thoughts,” the voices of my past, came back to me. In the world I grew up in, sex outside of marriage is not supposed to be a thing, let alone kinky sex. Sex is the worst sin; until you are married, then somehow it magically transforms into this really great thing and the best way to keep your man happy. My own pleasure, the things I like or want are not considered, not really. They are certainly not talked about. Heck even masturbation is frowned on because it requires lustful thoughts, and that’s a sin too.
But these toys? I’m excited to try them and experience all the things he had in mind when he placed the order, but I had a hard time admitting that to myself, let alone him. When we finished the order, I sent him a quick text telling him about the “mad professor” and we had a good laugh.
When the order arrived, it came in a big box!! I opened it and pulled each toy or accessory out and laid it on the table. With each one I giggled just a little louder. My nerves were kicking in, but my libido was kicking in too. Holy shit! I can only imagine what this man is going to do to me with these!
BUT, old thoughts... The text I sent to him went something like this:
“Maybe this should have been delivered to you! I might be officially terrified to come over with these!”
“🤔😳 We will see. The rest goes back.”
But wait? Goes back? No! That’s not how this conversation was supposed to go. Isn’t he supposed to cajole me? Try to sooth me? Persuade me that they aren’t so bad? Remind me that I can do this?
That’s not how this works, that’s not how any of this works!
I can’t play coy and helpless and hope my man will “change my mind.” In the kind of relationships I cultivate these days, my partner will not coerce me or try to convince me to try something new sexually. We will talk like adults. We will agree on boundaries, what we want, what we like, and we will move into the experience together. Consent.
Consent also requires me owning my shit. Looking at my needs, my desires, my boundaries, and owning it all. I should not, cannot, manipulate and work my way “around” a situation with passive aggressive commentary. I MUST say what is really on my mind. If I don’t, I won’t get to try these new toys or have experiences I am actually quite turned on about.
The next text I sent him went like this:
“I’ll bring it all with me. We can look at it, talk, and decide. I am a little nervous but VERY excited to explore new things with you. I trust you and us in this way and I love the exploring we do together. Let’s see what happens!”
“Sounds good! ❤”
How do you rewrite the messages you grew up with?