I’m on the train to Hamburg. It’s a little over a two hour train ride from Berlin on a Czechoslovakian train, in a compartment with a girl who thinks it’s ok to lay on her stomach, across three seats and surf the net on her laptop. But more importantly, Hamburg is where Benjamin lives.
As I sit here I feel so, well so peaceful. So much so that I noticed this feeling of pure contentment and wanted to record it.
The sun shines golden on the trees outside the city, the early morning light beautiful and soft and Dave Mathews is playing on my iPhone. These songs remind me of other long trips through similar landscapes, a lifetime ago.
The land that flows past my window this morning is decidedly rural. It looks a lot more like where I grew up than the big city I live in now. (Spell check always wants to change live to love! I’m ok with that! I love to live my life with love!) Anyway- huge fields with corn, hay, and soy beans pass by so quickly they’re hard to identify which is which. Traditional German farm houses charm me with their red and brown roofs and wooden beams as I rush past them, racing to my lover.
I am enjoying the view and tapping my foot to the beat while Dave sings about his “American Baby” and I see huge cranes (birds- not construction equipment) in one of the fields. We are moving so fast, it’s hard to track them with my eyes, but they look amazingly like Sand Hill Cranes, birds that have always held a serious significance for me- I don’t think they live here, but this is a reminder of them, and it feels special. I take it as a good omen, today, on this trip.
I haven’t seen Benjamin in almost six weeks! That’s a record for us. Until now we’ve been able to see each other just about every two weeks. So SIX WHOLE WEEKS has sucked balls. Seriously!
I’ve missed his shy smile, the way his hair is so disheveled in the morning, his easy laugh, and how he knows all the facts about everything. If being sapiosexual means I am attracted to someone’s brain then he is the sexiest man ever! I’ve missed the way he shyly took my hand the first time we walked around Hamburg together, and how it takes a few minutes of awkwardness before we warm back up to each other after being apart for a while. I’ve especially missed the way we make love.
Sapiosexual- Behavior of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.
Life is complicated. I never meant to love someone so far away. He never meant to love anyone but his wife. (The way our relationship started, it was never supposed to be THIS relationship, but thank goodness we were both open to allowing it to become whatever it was turning out to be!) We really never meant to go six weeks without seeing each other either. Yet, somehow we make it work.
We talk, a lot. Or sometimes we don’t. The times we don’t are harder for me. The distance and lack of being able to see each other has occasionally made me feel insecure. I’ve learned (most of the time) in those moments, to simply tell him that I need to know we’re ok. I need to hear that he cares about me and he misses me too.
Interestingly- the insecure feelings have nothing to do with his primary relationship with his wife or the relationship he has with his lover. Those relationships are just another facet of our relationship. The insecurity is really just about us- no not us- ME. Me worrying, feeling like I’m not enough. Feeling too old, or too fat, or too needy, or too far away in Berlin… How could he love me? All the rotten things my brain tells me when it’s lying.
He reassures me when I need it. I usually try to figure out what is going on in my own head before I bring it to him. Often I don’t have to bring anything to him at all. I can work it out on my own. But when I do go to him and say, “I need…” I have a decent handle on what it is I need. He is great at responding and caring and hearing these things and giving back to me what I need.
Me- I need to hear your voice.
Him- When can I call?
Me- I need to know you are looking forward to seeing me tomorrow so I don’t feel stupid for coming to you.
Him- Babe. Before I go to bed, let me express how happy I am that you are coming to see me tomorrow. Sleep well!! See you in the morning.
And now- it’s morning and I am finally on my way to him. The stress with his work, the primary reason we haven’t seen each other, has only slightly abated, but I needed to see him (and he feels the same.) I needed more than a phone call, more than a text. I needed face time, skin time, laughing in person time, and he made that time in their busy and stressful summer schedule for me to visit. As he says, “I am always welcome in their home.”
I love my visits there. I love waking up curled into his back, our naked bodies pressed together. I love the long silences while we work on our laptops side-by-side. I love exploring a new city and hearing all the things he loves about it too. I love having dinner every night with his wife and their daughter- our little poly family. My heart is so happy!
I’ll get to kiss his lips and smile in his face in a little less than an hour!!