I’d been pretty satisfied with the amount of time I was spending with my partners, and my newish relationship with my boyfriend Benjamin had been taking up a lot of head space and was still very exciting. Then the beautiful Berlin summer rolled around and all three of them were sudenly pretty unavailable. All at the same time!
Summer! Summer should be a time for adventures and lots of hot sweaty sex. I had hoped it would be a time for exploring this fabulous hip city; the lakes, bike paths, restaurants, outdoor kinos, and parks. Being mostly alone? THAT was not in the plan. I am polyamorous for goodness sake! I have multiple partners! How does this happen?
But never fear, OK Cupid to the rescue. A few late nights spent “swiping” and I would at the bare minimum have someone to flirt with and in a good scenario, I’d have a glass of wine with a reasonably intelligent man who could hold up his end of the conversation. Anything beyond that is bonus!
When I saw his profile, I paused my frantic left-swiping and took notice. Roland is nice looking in a nerdy way. His dark rimmed glasses giving him the look of exactly what he is, a computer programmer! (He is much better looking in person than in his pictures.) His profile caught my eye for the number of descriptors he used in the opening section, the little green circle that said 95% match, and the prolific text below his photo describing himself in quite humorous and edgy tones. The OK Cupid generated personality descriptors were interesting too: Nerdy, Kinky, Independent, Trusting, Literary, and Political. Wow, now there was someone who sounded very interesting.
The fact that he also described himself as “non-monogamous” and later in the text described his polyamorous relationships with his partners (Max and Stella) was also reassuring. There is nothing worse than the random guy on dating apps who describes himself as polyamorous, just because he wants to sleep around and hopes to find a woman who is all about sex too. (Poly, it’s NOT just about the sex people!) I knew this guy was for real when it came to being poly and understanding the kind of relationships I’m seeking. More points for him.
Despite all these positives, the descriptors he used (demisexual, pansexual, man, genderqueer) were a little intimidating. I am very sex positive and working to learn all the right ways to describe things and people and sexuality, especially in my writing, but I am not there yet. I had to look up some words to be sure I understood what they meant and once I started talking to him, I listened very carefully to see how they apply to his life. Also, dating a man who is actively dating another man is really something completely new to me. (Though my most recent lover Carson, is bi-sexual, he lives with a woman and has for more than 10-years.)
I sat there, looking at his photos, thinking, deciding, wondering, then I just threw caution to the wind and swiped right! I chose not to send a message, I figured I would let him decide to reach out, if we matched and he was interested. I thought if nothing else, I always love to be able to talk about this life and my loves with other like-minded people. And then, I got a notification from OKC! He sent me a note!
The note was well written and engaging and it wasn’t long before we were exchanging a fun lively chat in the app. It was an even shorter time before we started chatting on WhatsApp. And Lord did we chat! And chat! And Chat! It was great. Our free flowing text conversations were stimulating, frequently sarcastic, quippy, and sensitive, sometimes all at once. He was headed out of town right after we started talking, but less than a week from our first conversation we had plans to meet at a little cafe down the street from me.
I was working almost right up to the time I had to leave and was making myself frantic trying to decide what to wear. I raced to shower and get ready to not be late. (This IS Germany after all and my slow, not quite on-time-ness is not much appreciated here!) I decided to wear a flowing short black dress that I love, but feel it sometimes shows a little too much leg, so I don’t wear often enough. However, since I went to the swingers club last week, (Yes, I WILL blog about that too, eventually!) I’ve felt like a goddess. So thick legs showing and all, I headed out the door and down the tree-lined street to meet this fascinating guy.
Earlier in the day my friend had asked me what I thought about the date that night, and my response was “He seems like he’s really interesting. I am just not sure there will be any chemistry, but I do think we’ll have a nice time getting to know each other. So either way it’ll be fine.” If I only knew then how wrong but how right that statement would turn out to be.
We met at my favorite little cafe for having first dates. I often wonder what the manager thinks of me when he sees me sitting there smiling into the face of yet another man! I also bring my friends there for wine or co-working, I do try to vary my visits, but I always sense a bit of a grin on his face when he takes my wine order (the same wine I order EVERY time) with yet another man beside me at the table. Roland was sitting at a table outside when I arrived, and when he stood up to greet me and give me a hug hello, I admired his height and the quick but shy grin he flashed me. He’s much cuter than his photo, and as we sat down to chat, I could see hints of red in his hair and slight beard stubble.
We sat corner to corner at the small square table and begin to chat. It was weird and slightly awkward at first, and I found myself giggling with nerves, and even facing away from him, wondering if this was a good idea. When I realized that I was exhibiting body language that might not be so welcoming, I sat up straighter and turned in toward the table and made an effort to engage. I am so glad I did! Before long we were both more comfortable, we were talking and sharing just as easily as our free-flowing texts during the week leading up to this date. We shared three glasses of a drinkable red-wine and each had a bowl of chili, before I suggested we stop paying so much for wine, and maybe we could go to my place for one more glass before he headed home.
At this point, I knew him well enough to know that he is generally not comfortable having sex on a first date, and that he really needs to feel a connection before getting physical. I also knew, that at about the mid-way point of our evening, he had started lightly touching my arm, then holding my hand, and occasionally brushed his hand across my thigh, and I was doing the same to him. I was finding it hard to resist touching him, even for a few minutes. So when I invited him up to my place for a “night cap” I didn’t expect that we would have sex. I didn’t even expect there to be heavy petting. But I did think we might have a nice make-out session on the couch before he went back to his place.
Uhm, seriously? There was not only making out on my couch, there was amazing making out on my couch. The kissing was wonderful, intense, and passionate. Our lips felt like they were made to kiss each other. Talk about compatible kissing styles. The next day neither one of us was sure how exactly or when exactly we made it to the bedroom and shed our clothes, we just knew we had. (It must have been the wine!) I am so glad we did. His touch was electrifying and when his lips brushed over my skin, it sent me through the roof. He later remarked that he had never gone down on a woman so many times in one night, and I am not sure I’ve ever had that many orgasms from the same!
This went on all night. Kissing, touching, and caressing, then sleeping, held closely in each other’s arms, naked, and vulnerable. We both slept like crap. I can’t sleep the first few times I spend the night with a new man and he has the same affliction, compounded by the fact that I live on a very busy street so there were noises he’s not used to hearing all night. The kissing and touching was great, but the sleeping? Oh, the sleeping! My head on his chest, his arm solidly around me, our hands entwined together? That was what connected us. That has drawn us together in a way that already feels very solid and foundational. The level of intimacy, the trust I instinctively felt for this man, was a bit surprising, to be honest.
I have really good instincts. I tend to trust my gut when it comes to people. I am not really one to overthink being in a sexual relationship with someone, it can happen rather quickly. I really enjoy sex, so if I feel a nice connection and there is chemistry, it’s not unusual for me to have sex with someone quickly. But this connection wasn’t just the sex. It was a closeness. It was the vulnerability and ease with which he expressed himself. It was knowing he was out of his comfort zone, but trusted me enough (rather quickly for him too) to take these steps with me both physically and emotionally. A wild and heady combination to be sure.
Since then, we have spent many more hours texting and getting to know one another. We made a solid plan for a second date before he even left my flat. Both of us would have loved to see each other again right away, but our schedules were a bit tough to accommodate this week. Every time I think about him, it’s with a goofy grin on my face and when I see his texts pop in, I get a warm sappy feeling. I am crushing bad and so is he. I know for sure because he told me. His level and style of communication suits me very well! I tend to need to stay in touch and he is great at shooting me notes and I love the way he writes.
Yep! This is off to a very good start! I cannot wait to sit next to him tomorrow night, hold his hand, smile in his face and talk each other’s ears off again! Oh and kissing, of course, kissing!